redefining relationships

What is relationship?

It is nothing. It is nothing until you create it.

"Relationship is nothing until you create it."

A wise teacher once told me this. For a few moments I was dazed, then frustrated, then outraged. It sounded like sacrilege to me. I protested...

"Well, what about...?"
"Or, how about...?"
"But, what if...?"

I sputtered this way for a while...then I saw it; relationship isn't anything unless we create it.

Oh sure, we make assumptions, we have beliefs, traditions, expectations; what society says, what our family does, what our religion dictates, etc. But none of this provides us with tangible guidelines or definable parameters with which to create successful, enjoyable, fulfilling, and sustainable relationships.

We assume that we will love - and be loved - and we leave it at that.

How's that workin' for ya?

It is interesting to note that all of the significant contracts and arrangements we make in our lives - homes, cars, loans, businesses, even our death - involve clear, written agreements. And yet, when it comes to love, we choose not to be as clear - or as responsible - about the thing we say we value most.

If these relationships - lovers, children, parents, friends, partners - are so important to us, why don't we want to create clear agreements with one another regarding them? We need agreements that embody our needs, values, boundaries, and our relationships can be successful, fulfilling, and sustainable.

Instead of creating clear and tangible agreements, we would rather "leave it to love." We assume we will love them, they will love us, and it will all work out in the end. Right?

And again, how's that workin' for ya?

The reality is that we live in a physical body, in a physical world, in a physical reality. So, that which we want to be fulfilling, enjoyable, and beneficial needs to be consciously created in order for us to experience it fully and enjoy it freely.

It's the simple physics of how our world works.

Our most powerful and profound experiences - of ourselves and with others - are meant to be conscious, experienced fully, and grounded to reality; not left to love, imagination, hope, soul mates or some other nebulous intellectual - or pseudo spiritual - concept.

It is incumbent upon us to take responsibility for that which we want to create. Thus, in order to experience worthwhile, meaningful, fulfilling relationships...we must be willing to create them.

In other words, relationship must be defined in order to be truly fulfilling.

"Oh, but that's so unromantic!"
"We're lovers in another reality!"
"I just love him and he loves me!"
"We've been together for years."
"Love conquers all."
"But, we're soul mates!"
"Love is a lot of work."
"Love is suffering."
"Love is sacrifice."
"Love is commitment."

One last time, how that workin' for ya?

I'm not trying to be rude or snarky here. I am however, trying to make an important point.

The truth is...there can be more magic, more enjoyment, more freedom, more intimacy, and more fulfillment (poem) when a relationship is clearly defined with agreements.

When the parameters of love, acceptance, respect, responsibility, and freedom are clear...that serves and supports both partners and the relationship. In this way, both partners can experience, explore, and expand - as individuals - and with one another.

What's more, if you're not mature enough to be willing to communicate, define, and create agreements - regarding the relationships you value most in your life - perhaps it's time for you to do some work...on you.


Because it would appear that you don't know yourself - or value yourself - well enough to create clear agreements. Or, perhaps you are fearful of the reality and the responsibility of authentic, adult relationship?

You are free to choose to be mature and responsible about your relationships. And you are free not to be mature and responsible about your relationships.  But please be clear, either way you are making a choice.

Bottom line?

No choice is a choice. No choice - just like making a choice - has consequences, results, and effects.

Okay, now that we have estabilshed the purpose and value of creating agreements, what are the building blocks that will support us not only to redefine our relationships, but to evolve as individuals - and as partners - within our relationships?

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by Kelly Grace Smith
2014 All Rights Reserved.
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